Book Review: Fierce Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff
Hello Everyone,
I’m on vacation and finally decided to push myself to read some books. The one I just finished is Fierce Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff.
I picked up this book because her first one basically saved my mental health and taught me to stop verbally drop-kicking myself every five minutes. I went from being low on self-compassion to a proud, card-carrying member of the average club. Even my brother—who usually notices nothing—pointed out that I wasn’t roasting myself as much. Now my new goal? To graduate from average to above-average in self-compassion, because honestly, I need all the help I can get.
I also picked this book because I’m going through a difficult work struggle, and I hoped revisiting fierce self-compassion would help.
Overall, I’d give it 3.5 stars. It wasn’t my favorite, mostly because Neff repeats a lot from her first book. Topics like patriarchy and sexual harassment are important, but I’ve read widely on them already. For someone new to these issues—or to self-compassion itself—this book will likely feel fresh and powerful.
What I did appreciate was her raw honesty in sharing her struggles and showing how she used compassion strategies to cope. That vulnerability made her more relatable and reminded me that self-compassion isn’t just for experts or self-help gurus—it’s for ordinary people.
What sets this book apart from her first is its focus on the “fierce” side of compassion: the protective, brave energy we need in an imperfect world. Neff frames self-compassion in three ways:
Protecting ourselves from harm = compassion as bravery.
Providing for ourselves = compassion as meeting emotional, physical, and spiritual needs.
Motivating ourselves to grow or change = compassion as support.
One of the most compelling sections was her exploration of anger. Drawing on Professor Raymond Novaco’s work, she explains how anger can energize us, sharpen focus, protect us, signal when something is wrong, and give us a sense of empowerment.
A few standout quotes:
“Anger without love is hate, but love without anger is hollow and sugar-coated.” (pg. 80)
“Because women aren’t allowed to express anger outwardly the same way men are, we tend to turn it inward as self-criticism.” (pg. 60)
“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” — Gloria Steinem
I read this quickly since I needed to return it to the library, so I may have missed details. Still, it’s a useful book that encourages readers to explore Neff’s site, try guided practices, and even access membership scholarships for daily support.
For newcomers, I’d recommend starting with her first book. For those already familiar with self-compassion, I’ll leave you with two quotes that stayed with me:
“A central paradox of self-compassion is that we give ourselves compassion not to feel better, but because we feel bad.” (pg. 130)
“Fierce self-compassion is what will give you the courage and motivation to do something different—talk to the boss, negotiate fewer hours, or find a new job with better working conditions.” (pg. 136)
That last one struck me, because it made me realize I’ve been practicing self-compassion all along, even when I didn’t call it that.
Neff also includes recommended reads:
The Assertiveness Guide for Women by Julie de Azevedo Hanks
Feminist Fight Club: An Office Survival Manual for a Sexist Workplace
In my hardest moments, I’ve turned to her strategies—asking myself, “What do I need in this moment?”—and her mantra:
May I be safe.
May I be loved.
May I be at peace.
May I be kind to myself.
May I accept myself as I am.
This is a moment of suffering—I can give myself what I need.
